What’s that saying about carefully laid plaids getting destroyed? That always seems to happen to me. But still I plan. I’m a master of lists and organization. And I’m a disaster when it comes to follow through. I suppose you could argue that that means my planning musn’t be up to par – but to the contrary. If I actually followed my plans as I planned them, then everything would get done and not a hair would be out of place on my pretty little head.
Recently I’ve been spending a lot of time thinking about what to do with all my fiber and my stuff and my life in general. I made up my mind a few weeks ago that I was going to go back to school and pursue a degree in Computer Science. I have a strong interest in web programming and design, and I’m hoping with a Computer Science degree it will help me position myself better in the job market and I’ll be able to learn additional skills.
As a result of this decision, the rest of my life has been pretty much in turmoil because I can’t decide what to do with all my things. See, I’m one of those people that until I make a decision I just can’t function. Not knowing what I’m going to do with the bags and bags of fleece taking over my dining room/craft area is pretty much driving me insane. It’s like all the little bags are taunting me.
Believe me when I say that I’ve AGONIZED over this and what my next step should be. I’ve heard everything from “Just organize it, and leave it alone for now,” to “Sell everything and invest in that sewing machine so you can learn to sew.” The worse part is that the minute I decide on a path to take, and I say it outloud, it’s like the floodgates have opened and suddenly all I can think of are the 1001 reasons why I should not or I should do it differently.
I’m sure I’ve mentioned before that I am a serial crafter. I have craft ADD. I can’t sit and do one thing for too long or I get bored. And when I’m bored I stop creating. And if there is a mess or too much clutter, then I get distracted and discouraged. But that won’t stop me from purchasing new supplies for the craft that I am not at the moment pursuing. So it’s a vicious cycle of lack of inspiration, boredom, and clutter.
Right now I’m at the point in cycle where clutter is reigning supreme. I really want to work on some jewelry designs that have been buzzing around in my head, but I can’t get to my table in order to make them because of the carder sitting on it, and the bags of fleece on the floor waiting to be washed and dyed and photographed. I’ve also been cooking a lot recently, and I want to take my blogging and food photography to the next step – but I don’t have a flat surface to work with. And my craft room is connected to my kitchen, so I literally get to look at all the clutter while cooking (how fun is that?!).
Anyways, I’m struggling with the next steps to take. I’m leaning towards “sell everything”, but it’s a process.
I think now, after mulling over this for over 2 weeks, I can finally say that I want to sell all the fiber except my Angelina. I want it all gone and out so I can finish my SAPGAP obligations and not be over run. This will mean that I will be giving up a lot of good and lovely stuff – but I think it’s for the best. What I want MORE than dusty bags of fleece right now is to have a creative space for myself.
I’m also beginning to realize that no matter how much I try and how much I love what I do, I’m just not cut out for business. I re-wrote a blog recently (inspired by another blogger) about how to Survive as a Creative Person and it really hit home for me. I’ve been focusing too long on trying to bring fulfillment and purpose to my creative life through WORK and that’s the wrong way for me to go about it. Sure, there are some people that are able to handle both and their businesses take off with their art – but I don’t work so well under those factors I’ve discovered. To me, art and the stress to be productive can’t exist at the same time. When I am putting too much focus on making art to sell for other people, I forget about me and doing the creative things I enjoy. I work in huge spurts of energy, but I often overestimate the amount of energy and time I’ll have and take on more than I can handle only to realize that I’m no longer wanting to work in that particular medium. I also want to do so many things! And I just don’t have time for them all when I still have to produce art for “work” on the side. “Work” zaps all my creative juices that I have left, leaving me raw and bored and exhausted, and then when I go to work on things for me – I just don’t feel like it. Even on days that I don’t do any work – just the thought of “You know, I really should be doing this other project for my shop instead of sitting over here having FUN. Who do I think I am?”
Clear as mud, right? Welcome to my brain!
So the fiber is leaving, the carder and combs are getting packed away, and I’m pulling out my jewelry work and rearranging my furniture. I want a bright, well lit workspace, with room to move. I want to spend time blogging, and cooking, canning, and baking – and I want to improve my photography skillz. I want to make things just for me and I want to share what I have with others through my blog, and as gifts.
Maybe in 6 months everything will change (wouldn’t surprise me!), but for now, this is the path I’m going to take. Its hard to accept the fact that I won’t know how I will feel in the future or what I will feel like doing. But all I can do is trudge on and keep moving. That’s really all any of us can do, right?